Listen, you hockey pucks, Don Rickles should moderate the debates

Out of 300,000,000 Americans, the unconstitutional Commission on Presidential Debates chose the 4 most boring to be moderators: Jim Lehrer in the first presidential debate, Gwen Ifill for the veep debate, Tom Brokaw for tonight’s presidental debate, and Bob Schieffer for the last prez debate on Oct. 15.

Years from now, sociologists will note that the nation’s crystal meth consumption rose dramatically during these debates, just so people could remain awake.

We need a reform: Don Rickles should moderate the debates. Imagine how Mr. Warmth, the Sultan of Insult, who just won an Emmy, would have handled the questions:

Rickles: Sen. McCain. Thank you for your sacrifice for your country. You’ve told us that time and time again. And thank you for hanging around the Senate all these years going, “What are they voting on?” Maybe that’s why you weren’t nominated in 2000. Obama just went, “That was a good one.” But seriously, Sen. McCain, you should be elected president — of a retirement home.

Sen. Obama, when are you going to stop writing autobiographies? You’ve got one coming out every couple of months. You know, you were a community organizer — whatever that is — then a politician. Can’t you get a real job like everybody else? We already have a president who never had a real job. They say you’re “The One,” who can heal all our ills. Could you help me to walk again?

Then there’s Sen. Biden, who went into a coma in 1999 and stayed in the Senate. Wilkes Barre Pennsylvania — what’s that town you come from?

Biden: Scranton.

Rickles: What, that’s better?

Rickles: Gov. Palin, tell me again what state you’re governor of?

Palin: Alaska.

Rickles: Isn’t that part of Russia? Didn’t you run the vodka store? Let me give you some advice from a friend: You shouldn’t have come. If I give you a cookie, will you go away?