Why not me for O.C. Sheriff?

Out here in beautiful Orange County, we’ve had an ugly mess over our O.C. Sheriff, Mike Carona, who recently was indicted and resigned. The Board of Supervisors is looking for a replacement candidate. A couple articles on the matter are by my former Register colleagues Steven Greenhut and Frank Mickadeit.

While mulling their commentaries over some Booker’s and a Macanudo, I realized that, to serve great people of Orange County, I’m throwing my hat into the ring. As Jimmy Carter insisted in 1976, “Why not the best?”

Here are my qualifications:

1. Extensive law enforcement experience. I was in the U.S. Army from 1978-82. From 1979-82 I was a member of an elite Military Intelligence Unit, the 533rd CEWI Battallion, stationed athwart the Fulda Gap in West Germany. (CEWI = Combat Electronic Warfare Intelligence.) During that entire time, the evil Red Army didn’t dare attack. We — I — stared them down. And the commies had more than 40,000 nukes (that’s the Joe 4 explosion in the picture, named after mass-murdering commie dictator Josef Stalin; Russky name: RDS-6s, or Reaktivnyi Dvigatel Stalina). Quit a bit more dangerous than dealing with drunks and pickpockets, wouldn’t you say? We — I — won the Cold War and saved America. Without us — me — right now you’d be speaking Russian and picking oranges on the local collective farm.

2. I grew up in a Law Enforcement Family. It’s in my blood. My late father was a District Judge for 25 years, from when I was 5 until I was 30. In high school, kids called me “judge.” I grew up around judges, sheriffs, cops, lawyers, and other law enforcement types. I know this stuff cold.

3. I’ve actually read the U.S. Constitution, including the Bill of Rights. How many other candidates can say that? I hope the Board of Supervisors actually asks us candidates about the Bill of Rights. Here’s my answers to a couple of questions:

Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms? It’s absolute. That means all state and local laws on guns are void. You don’t even need a permit to carry a concealed weapon.

Use by sheriffs of tasers that kill people? Banned.

Secret inquiries into alleged sheriffs’ and police’ abuse of powers? All now will be made public.

Federal aid to the Sheriff’s Department? All unconstitutional, and therefore denied. We don’t need the Feds’ blood money to defend our local people.

4. My model for sheriff sure won’t be Mike Carona or his brutal predecessor, Brad Gates. Instead, my model will be America’s Sheriff: Andy Griffith. Deputiy sheriffs will be expected to be like Sheriff Griffith’s deputy: Barney Fife, carring only an unloaded .38 with a single bullet kept safe in the shirt pocket. By the way, did you notice that the city next to Mayberry is Siler City (a variant spelling of my name)? Another qualification.

I expect I’ll hear from the supervisors soon. I’m going to lose some avoirdupois so I’ll look great in my new uniform.